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Post by Van Vradenburg on Oct 6, 2016 11:22:50 GMT -5
Hello David. Happy Birthday. You are 24 years old today. If you were here you'd be a man. I often wonder if in heaven you are a man or a boy or can be either or forever a boy or all of the above. That is, I try to imagine what you would look like if you still lived on earth...and then I try to project that into heaven, but knowing heaven is not subject to time...well, you can see that I don't know all the variables so it can never add up and it never does. So I continue to wonder. The last time you and I celebrated your birthday together was in 2005. You were all low-key. Not wanting too big of a fuss. But that is coming from the kid who wrote the Birthday Song! So everyone KNOWS birthdays are special to you. And today is yours. You can bet I will sing that song to you today. The other birthday that pops out at me today is your 10th (or 11th?)...where you had everyone over for a cammo/army party. I still see you popping out of the brush in full cammo. Looking up and seeing me and then popping back into the brush on the other side. I walked that very area this morning remembering that moment. And I also remember your first birthday. Yes I do. So here is wishing you the best birthday ever today on October 6, 2016. I wish we were celebrating it together. I miss you so much. Which are not mere words but an ongoing 'experience'. I love you always. And more.
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Jan 8, 2017 2:04:54 GMT -5
Hey Big Boy. Today is January 7, 2017. You have been gone for 11 years now. That's a lot of years. A lot of water under a lot of bridges. Of course I went through your last 24 hours again in my mind and memories. I'm still flabbergasted at how it seems like the perfect storm came together. A tiny tweak here or there and the last 11 years are much different. But the reality is that it ended how and when it ended and nothing ever changes that. Walking away from you at the cemetery again today I was met with my perpetual struggle - not wanting to walk away and rejoin life and my life without you. Yes there are many good things to be thankful for but I don't want to take one step and then another into that life of the present and the future and leave you behind. The two worlds, the past with you and the present without you define my paradox and it is hard to put that one foot in front of the other and go where I do not want to go. As you probably know I have never wanted to go forward into today without you so any movements that direction have been extremely reluctantly, against my will, and simply because I have no choice in the matter. So I live, therefore, in two worlds, half in one, half in the other and not fully in either. So you will understand if I am not the same person I was when you were here. Shades and remnants would be familiar as would the foundation but I've got a much lower tolerance for people's selfishness and see red when people try to victimize others. We know how destructive those things can be and the disasters they can lead, to, don't we? Anyway, I am 11 entire years closer now to being with you again. I've never been closer.
I'm missing you still and love you always.
-Your dad.
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Post by scottnb on Mar 8, 2018 12:37:37 GMT -5
Hey David,
It's your old friend Scott. I can't believe it's been so long. I hope it's nice up there, I will never forget your laugh and smile or making us try to do 2 finger push ups in PE. I still think about you all the time. You were my best friend. My first sleep over, baseball practice, jiu jitsu match, and again a true best friend. You taught me so much and while I was so young. When you left I came back to California for a birthday and everybody signed a baseball and they didn't forget to put you on there. I will have that baseball until I see you again and we can play catch. I just wanted to say hey and I hope you are doing good.
Always, Scott N-B
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Jan 7, 2019 14:37:48 GMT -5
Hello, David. It is January 7, 2019. I think you left about 13 years ago this very hour. That is 4748 days ago, and I've missed you every single one of them. There remain aspects of that day I cannot bear to think about. There are aspects of that day that I've never been able to think about. And there are aspects of that day that I cannot stop thinking about. By now seasons have changed. The debilitating pain is gone. Adjustments have been made and many miles traveled on the alternative path. None of it by choice. A few years ago I smiled. It was on a road on my motorcycle. It caught me by surprise. There have been quite a few thrills in that area. All here are fine. Doing well. But when we gather there is always a hole, a missing element. You would be 26 now. I imagine all the time what you would look like at the current age. I ran into one of your school mates the other day. She is 27. Had not seen her since about the last time I saw you. The transformation was remarkable. Which again makes me wonder what you would look like now. It was very special running in to someone outside the family who knew you - that isn't the norm these days. So on April 9 of this year you will have been gone longer than you were here. I dread that day just as I dread this day. It is a reminder of how far away you are, almost a mocking, fatal reminder. But as I learned early on along this journey, I must look at how much closer I am to seeing you again, not how far away from our last day together I am. And for the record, your sweat band went missing a few weeks ago. And then it turned up in the exact spot it was missing from. It wasn't there and then it was. With no earthly intervention. We've seen that before, haven't we? We get it.
Miss you son. Love you forever.
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Jan 7, 2020 14:36:11 GMT -5
Hey. It's fourteen years today. Probably within an hour. 5113 days ago. I've missed you every day. Some things I understand. Some things I don't. This world is not a better place with out you. But heaven is a better place with you. The pain has subsided generally. With only occasional relapses. It melts into the blur that has been 14 years. The blur is some days make sense, some days don't but they happen anyway; I am here doing this or I am there doing that and I remember very little of it anyway; I don't know if something happened in 2008, 2010, 2012, 2014, it all has blended into the blur. The blur is getting through time without you here. There are some good days, there are some great days but at the end of the day you're not here. I am happy and blessed and thankful. But you're not here. It's 2020? Dang, how did that happen? Yesterday I was saying good-bye to you as you slept. The time since is one very long day that never seems to end. I am the same person who said good bye to you. I am not the same person who found you. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? This world is not a better place without you.
I miss you, son. I love you always.
-Your Dad
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Oct 5, 2020 18:47:48 GMT -5
Hello Son, I miss you. I love you. Tomorrow is your 28th birthday. Let me be the first to wish you a Happy Birthday!! Your friends are all grown up, David. They are well on in their career paths, marriage and family paths, life paths. To me you are still 13. And when I dream about you, you are either Little Guy, a big guy (8-11 years old) or an early teenager. I have no concept of you at 28 years old. It simply doesn't exist. I see how some of your friends look and see how your cousins look and know there is an element of people generally looking the same. But I just can't see you at 28; I just don't know what you would look like for sure. I hope I get to find out someday what your progression through age would have looked like. As for some more what would have been's here's this - you would likely be married by now. But such speculation is not helpful, is it? As for what I do know, I do remember the day you came into this earth and your 13 of your birthdays. You loved birthdays. I remember your Birthday Song, the one you made up. And sang constantly...to all your friends... ha ha. So tomorrow is indeed a special day. And I will be thinking about you and celebrating your special life. I will remember your laugh, your joy, how fun you were and your speech, mannerisms, skills and perhaps funny things that happened to you like that time you sneezed when you happened to standing over the sink and bashed your head into the sink when you did. I will remember your bright eyes as you were playfully engaged. I will remember many things from the treasures of my heart because my heart is full of those treasures. Full of the treasure that is you. I love you dearly. I miss you terribly. Happy Birthday, David. Happy 28th.
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Jan 7, 2021 11:26:01 GMT -5
Good Morning, David. Today marks 15 years since I last saw you. I kissed your forehead as you lay sleeping and said, "I'll see you later" as I headed out the door for a few hours. I did not know you would be in heaven before I got home. You might not recognize the world today; it has little resemblance to the world you last saw. Indeed down is up and wrong is right and justice has disappeared. There is institutionalized attacks on what is true. Criminals are set free and citizens sent to jail for not wearing a mask. Our nation is under assault from without and within by everything that is evil. It has created an apparent Orwellian madness. Of course most sensible people see through these games and attempted manipulations but it is a crazy environment for sure. I am not disappointed that you do not have to witness and experience this. You are in a better place. Where there is no deception. This world was and is not good enough for people like you. You were the best kid I ever saw. In all ways. I am forever extremely proud of you. And as every day, today I miss you greatly. I love you with all my heart, son. Maybe I'll see you soon. And thank you for the balloons. - Your Dad
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Oct 8, 2021 11:53:16 GMT -5
David, you turned 29 years old two days ago. Happy Birthday again! As you might know we went to the cemetery again to 'spend some time with you.' You left when you were 13. You are now 29. You've been gone for a long time now. Things have changed. Time has moved us all and few are in the same place / condition as they were when you left. I'm not sure you would recognize the world we live in today. It is much different than the one you left. We are surrounded by evil and corruption, magnified, times a million, evident everywhere. I am not disappointed that you are missing out on this. You were always too good for this world and the liars, cheats, and selfish pathologicals who seek to make victims of us all. This world wasn't and isn't good enough for you, son. As you may know I have been to places recently that are filled with memories of you and me. It is bittersweet to be at those places. I miss you. A lot. God knows how much I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday.
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Dec 25, 2021 11:51:25 GMT -5
Good Morning, David. Merry Christmas! This is our 16th Christmas without you. We actually go a tree this year. As you may know Christmasses were very difficult early on and for the most part we found it easier if we did not get the house all decorated up. For me, if I could 'pretend' it was just another day and not the most special of days, it helped going through it without you. And as you may know this is our first Christmas in our house in Salinas. All this to say that we have a tree again this year. It has been quite awhile. It goes without saying that I miss you and really wish you were here celebrating Christmas with us. I remember many Christmasses with you. I suppose I would remember them all if I sat down and thought about it. What I wouldn't give to be able to hand you a present...oh boy somebody must be cutting onions again. I love you, son. I miss you so very much. Merry Christmas.
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Jan 7, 2022 12:22:30 GMT -5
Hello son. It's been 16 years since I last touched your head and said I would see you in a few hours. Interestingly the sun is glowing through the clouds today exactly it was that morning. I am not sure I am going to be able to make it to the cemetery today due to work obligations. But I might. I miss you all the time. I do believe you paid us a Christmas visit, however. Perhaps I am now closer to the end than the beginning. 5844 days closer. The world is insane. I am not disappointed that you are missing the madness. I think about you all the time. I remember you, our lives together and so many of the special times flood my mind. I sure can't wait to see you again. Thank you for being the best kid ever. Love you so much. -Your dad
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Oct 6, 2022 13:56:37 GMT -5
Sweet Baby Boy,
You turn 30 today.
I bet you are chiseled and handsome.
We are getting together late this afternoon to celebrate your 30th. We haven't done so for quite a few of your birthdays; I think the last one we did was your 19th.
As I am working today in the office I am listening to the sound tracks on a headset of some of the video games we played together. Three of them. You can imagine which ones they are. It is so strange because the last time I heard these sounds, I was with you and playing the games (playing with you or watching you play.) It takes me right back. And it takes me close. In a way. But not close enough. I can see you laying on the ground in front of the tv playing the games. I can see it as clear as day as if it were this morning.
I love you so much, son. I miss you every day.
Whatever you are doing 'today' (I know time is different in heaven than it is here) I hope it is special. I hope you are honored for your special day and filled with joy. I suppose my mom is celebrating with you up there today for the first time. I gave her a message to relay to you her right before she passed. It was the last thing she heard before she slipped away and never regained consciousness. And I know she heard me because she replied. May she and all the others gathered there with you today have the best birthday party of all.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, David!
-Your dad
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Dec 25, 2022 21:07:24 GMT -5
Merry Christmas, David!
As you probably know I was in the hospital most of this week but was able to get out in time for Christmas. I had the same spinal tap as you did when you were sick when you were about two years old. That one truly broke my heart when they held you down and stuck that needle in; I cried when they did that to you...still breaks my heart to think about it. When I was going through it I had my mind on you and what you had to endure for such a little guy. I felt like it was some sort of fellowship with your two-year old body's suffering. And they checked you for the same reason they checked me - meningitis. Only you passed it (did not have meningitis) whereas I failed. Probably the most dire straights I've ever been in physically and reminds me that we will see one another again at some point in time, no matter what. My days are certainly numbered! And because my treatment is not really done yet, but moved from IV at the hospital to pill form at home, we didn't see any of the California family today other than on video call. But me being home was the Christmas present. So we are all good with that.
So it's your first Christmas up there with your Grandma. I bet you got soused with kisses from my mom and her mom. My brother and sisters made sure my Dad's first Christmas without my mom since like 1956 was not spent alone, thank goodness. I think you will see him in the next few years, but who knows, he keeps on going. He seems strong enough to live to be 100. Maybe you'll see me first.
And notably this year your cousin Shawn had a boy - which means the family name will live on. Crazy when you think my dad's dad had four big, strong, healthy boys. And it is now down to one new-born infant boy. There's a Christmas tie-in if ever there was one!
Anyway, Merry Christmas, son. You are experiencing personally why Jesus had to be born in to this dark world. I am so happy for you.
Love you endlessly, miss you always.
-Your dad.
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Jan 7, 2023 14:12:56 GMT -5
Hello David,
It is, once again, 'that day'...January 7. It is now 17 years since I kissed your forehead good-bye that morning. By now you've probably forgot all about your short time on earth and are buried deep into the wonders and mysteries of heaven and totally involved in whatever one's purpose might be once we get there. I hope you are enjoying living out your purpose there. It still doesn't all make sense to my mind, but what do I know? I will understand some day. I just love you every day, miss you every day, think about you every day and can't wait to see you again. We will be driving over to the cemetery in a while to come and visit. And even though that's just your shell, and your real life is in heaven, it's the closest I can get to you for now. I am getting over the meningitis, going back to work on Monday after missing three weeks. I am not as torn up this January 7 like I usually am. Maybe I'm not up to full strength yet, or maybe I sense how fragile life is - that I am always almost there with you, just a missed heartbeat or two away. Regardless, it is not as painful this year (...yet).
I love you. I miss you. Happy Heavenly Birthday, son.
-Your dad.
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Post by iblack16 on May 16, 2023 17:24:39 GMT -5
Good day, Van,
I hope this message finds you well. It has been quite some time since we last spoke. This is Isaac Grover. I'm reaching out to you with the hopes of reconnecting and checking in on how you're doing.
While it has been almost a couple of decades since David tragically left us, the memories of our time together have stayed with me. I every so often think back on the friendship we shared and the moments that we experienced together. I understand that such a loss can have a profound impact on those left behind, and I genuinely hope that you have found solace and healing over the years in your Lord.
I just wanted to reconnect with you and continue to extend my support. It would be meaningful to me to be able to catch up with you and hear about your life since we last spoke.
If you feel comfortable, I would appreciate the opportunity to reconnect. Please let me know. Mom asked about you as well, and we have both wondered if your book is available for reading.
Take care, Van, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Warm regards,
-Isaac
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Post by Van Vradenburg on Oct 6, 2023 10:08:59 GMT -5
Good Morning, son. Happy Birthday!! You are 31 years old today. Well, in earthly terms. Of course I only saw what you looked like up to 13 years so have to use my imagination to calculate what you might look like if you had remained here. And I do wonder. But that gets filed with the things that I do not know. Things are getting crazy down here. I am not disappointed that you are missing out on the insanity, lawlessness, manipulations, systematic genocide and all things evil. You are in a much better place. I am going to go see you here in a few minutes. Talk to you then. Happy Birthday, David!!!!! I love you and miss you always.
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